


Golden

by brandneweyesz



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Bittersweet Ending, Canon Compliant, Canon-ish, Feels, Fine Line, M/M, Zarry AU, mind of mine, niall is not in the story but he is mentioned, sad and crying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:00:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23987134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brandneweyesz/pseuds/brandneweyesz
Summary: He sits there thinking, wondering and searching for meaning of it all. His mind is running, his thoughts all colliding and coming back to stop only at one face.ORThe one where Harry and Zayn meet for the last time.
Relationships: Zayn Malik/Harry Styles
Comments: 8
Kudos: 20





	Golden

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys!! this was going to be a part of fic I was writing, but given the recent news im not so sure anymore. so it is something I wanted to have as idk a final thing maybe. I had so many drafts i wish i had posted them sooner but we'll see.
> 
> I was skeptical about posting this one and I haven't edited it so I'm sorry for any mistakes, i'll do it later. This isn't true but just my take on it.
> 
> Title from golden by both Zayn and Harry. 
> 
> Thank you everyone!!!  
> \- - -

_It goes and it's golden._

_And I hope you'll still be fine…_

Harry alternates between pressing the doorbell and banging on the door in vain as if to make it open quickly as he waits outside.

He is a mess frantic with emotions finally at its peak and ready to be flowed out of him, bursting him open, exploding. He feels so mad but numb at the same time that he reckons he wouldn't even feel it if it were to actually happen.

When the door opens; Zayn is standing at the other side looking unaffected and as cool as ever, it makes Harry wonder if he was waiting for him after all this.  
  
"What the fuck Zayn? Why are u doing this?" Harry asks without wasting a time and feeling agitated.

  
Zayn’s face hardens at the question. "How do you know?"

  
He just cards his fingers through his hair restlessly and shrugs it off eager to know what he came here for; he won’t tell that Niall told him. Zayn is smart enough to figure it out.

"Zayn! Zayn! Listen," Harry quickly steps towards Zayn to get closer after a beat and grabs at him, the distance between them bothering him.  
  


"Z, don't do this!" He pleads.

Harry knows he must look crazy with red rimmed eyes and looking paler than ever after hearing the news. He feels antsy as he finally grabs the front of Zayn’s top.  
  


"I love her and you should go," Zayn states.

Harry looks shockingly at him unable to believe what he heard.

  
"No!! No-no!! Zayn you can't," he mutters trying to make Zayn listen to him and he kisses Zayn before he even realizes what he is doing. As if it would make any difference.

  
"What the fuck Harry?"

Harry looks pained as Zayn pushes him a little breaking their kiss, his lips stinging from the kiss. It’s too much to take and his head and heart hurts. He doesn’t know why Zayn is so adamant to do it suddenly and he breaks down then.

Zayn looks at Harry as he starts sobbing not being able to control it anymore.

  
"Zayn you can't do this, it’s not fair,” He swipes at his cheeks to dry them as he tries to convince him. “I love you. We love each other."

"Why? Then why?" He chants his voice thick from crying.

"I love her, Harry."

  
It makes him sob even more to hear Zayn say it and not actually say the real reason that he knows they were avoiding all this time.

Harry looks up at Zayn but it breaks him to see that Zayn wouldn’t meet his eyes. Like he doesn't care. Which is not true Harry knows that but right now it feels just like that.

  
"Zayn, you said we'll see," He grips tightly at Zayn’s top again.

They don’t say anything for some time. Harry’s crying and sniffles are the only thing filling in the silence.

"Are you punishing me? is that it?" Harry finally asks. "Are you punishing me for what happened all those years ago?”  
  


He can’t think of anything else and couldn’t help but wonder if it’s the ghosts of the pasts again. He couldn’t stop his tears from falling at the memories, the fights. Harry watches Zayn clench his fist as if he is remembering it too.  
  


"I said I was sorry and I still am. I told you!" Harry exclaims. “I told you that I couldn't have controlled it but I tried, you know I tried. But now we're free. I'll be here.”  


Harry searches for an answer but he doesn’t get any.

“Zayn, I said it is different this time! I'll be by your side this time completely and- and we'll have each other."

Zayn’s lack of response makes him lose his mind and he furrows his brows at that. His hands starts shaking with uncontrollable anger at the situation and the feeling of despair.  
  


"Why are you doing this Zayn? Why can't we try, please _Zaynie_ don't do this, don't leave me, please!"

He didn't want to beg for his love which he knew they both deserved, which they deserve even now but he does it anyway. He’ll try it if that is what it takes.

Zayn doesn’t say anything, his stare unfaltering and his jaw clenched like he is purposely not answering him.

"Why are you doing this? Fucking say something?" He screams at him finally.

"It’s not fair! What are you punishing me for?” He repeats again tugging at his hair, he doesn’t understand why it’s happening and what the reasons could be or if they are the same as before.

"Is it because I’m in love with you? Because I said we should get married back then or it is because I said we should try for real this time, why?" Harry asks frenzied, shaking Zayn by his shoulders. “Is it because it’s easy?” he seethes.

"You should go Harry, I said we'd try but I can’t alright. I love her." Zayn glares at Harry stepping away from him, wanting it to be over so he wouldn’t have to see Harry like this.

“No need to repeat it, I heard you the first time.”

He means to say it firmly but his voice breaks betraying him. He feels as if he's not standing on solid ground and feeling weak in the legs with dread. There's something in Zayn’s eyes and kind of finality in his tone that he can't deny.

  
Harry knows it wasn’t about if Zayn loves him or not it was just about choosing. So Zayn made his mind and the decision.

For both of them.

  
Harry doesn't blink as they stare at each other for a long time and he never felt more naked with all the emotions stripped down off him. He feels too broken and heavy to move, his throat suddenly dry and choked up to say a word.

  
"You win Z. You’ve always won," He says in a voice barely a whisper. _And she’s got you._

When it always came to Zayn and their love Harry always lost. He feels dejected and he can't fight anymore and he doesn't want to. He always lost and he knows it.

Harry takes steps closer to him again, he stretches his hand out up to Zayn’s face hoping Zayn wouldn't push him away or flinch. He lightly touches the side of his face, his thumb tracing the skin there, feeling a bit relieved at not being rejected of it.

He swallows as he sees Zayn’s eyes soften at the touch. Zayn leans into it and sweetly kisses Harry's palm. After a moment Harry nods to himself as he knows it’s time to leave.

“Can I get a hug before I go?"

Zayn looks kind of troubled thinking at how they got here, that Harry needs his permission to even hug him but it’s his fault.

“Z? We were friends first," Harry tries again trying to ease the tension when Zayn doesn’t answer.

“Yeah, come here.”

Harry leans in to hug Zayn when he nods at him to do so.

Harry hugs him. His hands clasped tightly around Zayn. Feeling it for the last time, he always loved being held by Zayn. He buries his face in Zayn’s neck as he takes in his scent and tries not to cry.

"I'll miss you," He whispers, clinging to him. 

He keeps tightening his hold, not wanting to let go yet and tears up as he closes his eyelids feeling Zayn in his embrace. And he starts to bawl like a child then, shaking and clasping his fingers in back of his shirt, the feeling of heartbreak and hurt deep in his core.  
  


Zayn always has been his favourite place. The love of his life. His forever. He feels like dying at the thought of not being able to hold him like this again after this time.

  
Harry then looks at Zayn, still crying after he takes his face out of crook of Zayn’s neck. His eyes tracing over his face. _His beautiful Zayn_.

He doesn’t say anything not wanting to break the silence and also he doesn’t know what he would say.

So he leans in to kiss the corner of his mouth. His lips linger there for a little bit, knowing that Zayn won't be his, knowing but not wanting the moment to end but it eventually ends.

He ends it after he plants a kiss there once more.

Harry watches Zayn looking at him conflicted, thousands of thoughts fighting in his mind, Harry knows it, but silence follows.

He closes his eyes as Zayn gently holds his face and pecks his lips lightly; just a sweet touch for a memory and Harry actually wouldn’t mind dying right this minute.

Harry’s eyes wells up again realizing that he can’t keep dragging the moment further. He has to leave.

“Wish you both all the happiness and a happy life.” Harry manages to say at last, his voice all croaked up.

Harry studies his face for the last time, it’s just impossible to let go, and he tries to take it all in and he wills his tears away as to not blur his vision because he wants to store and lock it all up deep in his heart.

“Bye, Zayn.” It hurts him but he takes a deep breath in and nods at Zayn before he turns to leave.

The silence that stretches between his short walk to the door is deafening as he hopes Zayn might call him to say something - _something_ , _anything_ or maybe he'll call him by his pet name - ‘ _Babe, haz_ ’ or ‘ _baby’_ for the last time or to say he changed his mind; but that’s a wishful thinking.

Zayn doesn't stop him. He doesn’t say anything but he has tears in his eyes.

And Harry doesn’t dare to look back at him on his way out so he will never ever know that.

Once outside he feels he's going to be sick and he feels overwhelmed, his stomach churns at the feeling. He feels the only coffee he had before in the day coming out and just like that he literally throws up as the realization hits him that he's defeated in love and left alone.

They went through similar things before but this feels different, this is sort of a final line for them dividing them as they stand across at different sides.

Harry then climbs in his car with tears still streaming down his face. He tries to drive but it is hard to do while crying his eyes out so he makes it just outside the driveway before he stops at the side of the road. He then literally weeps with his face in his hands without any inhibition. He sobs and sobs in his seat for a long time when he hears the rain starts to pour down.

_Fuck my life._

He sits there thinking, wondering and searching for meaning of it all. His mind is running, his thoughts all colliding and coming back to stop only at one face. He watches rain pour and it feels like universe is crying with him too to show as if it’s sharing his hurt and pain, saying that he's not alone.

He cries his heart out with pouring rain there outside of Zayn’s house.

It’s all been painful but good too. He learned so much with Zayn, he grew up with him and maybe that’s why it hurts so bad, his first love. They shared good, bad and everything in between.

He has to remember, the things he and Zayn hoped for might not happen, so in a way they are not real in a sense but what they have and had already; it will always be a part of him and Zayn, because it was true and it always will be. It is what they shared, and touched and felt. So maybe obsessing over not having it, he’d look at it like a gift he received.

There's a hole left in his heart and Zayn will always going to be that missing piece and Harry knows that nothing and no one will replace it, but he made it before and he can get through this too. He has to and he will be fine.

 _He'll be fine._ _They will be alright_.

This is it. This is the end. End of a decade. A pleasant passage of time of learning, falling, growing, all the best and the worst feelings experienced, knowing his own abilities, knowing the depth of his love, of fears and insecurities, but one of the beautiful times shared with Zayn, the love they have and power of their love he feels will be there forever. Even if it’s the end of an incredible journey. For now.

Like a chapter closing, waiting for a new page to turn.

  
He wipes at his eyes after a while and turns on the music, the songs from his playlist providing solace and he drives off the familiar street for the last time that evening.

_And all I’ve ever known, loving you’s the antidote._

_Golden._

_-_


End file.
